Welcome And The $84B Joke

SPEAKER_02 0:29

Hey everybody, welcome back to Marketing Qualified. I'm Mike Griffin.

SPEAKER_00 0:33

And I'm trying to light $84 billion on fire.

SPEAKER_02 0:37

That sounds like a hell of a m uh $84 billion is going to take some time to go through. Like my mind immediately goes to that scene in uh, what is it, the Dark Knight, right? Where Heath Ledger's Joker just has all the money piled up in that warehouse, and he literally just like throws the what is it, like the lighter over his head, and the money is oiled up and and burns all over the place. Um tell me you're not getting that dark. Should I send medical attention?

SPEAKER_00 1:04

Uh not not quite that dark, but uh yeah, a I mean Mark Zuckerberg, uh I I mean he I I'd take my chances with the Joker over that that guy.

SPEAKER_01 1:15

Um Joker over Zuckerberg.

SPEAKER_00 1:18

Yeah, dude. Like Mark Zuckerberg's a weird fucking dude, and that's saying something compared to Joker, but um Jesus.

SPEAKER_02 1:27

That is saying something. I man, oh man. This is how quickly things change in between just like the week over week, like my first thought went to so now I know you're talking about like Zuckerberg, and we should talk about like why that is. In fact, that is one of the things we're gonna talk about today. My mind immediately went to oh my god, you poor your cruise that you booked through the Strait of Hormuz is non-refundable, and you just you're lighting that on fire. What a bummer for your vacation. I'm sorry.

SPEAKER_00 1:54

It really is such a shame. I mean, I was really looking forward to seeing Iran this time of year.

SPEAKER_02 1:58

It's lovely. It's lovely, is my understanding. Okay, so obviously we're just talking about lighting $84 billion on fire. Chris has some strong feelings about this. I actually don't know a ton, so I'm gonna look forward to reacting to your reaction. That's always a good time to see what's going on there. Um, Chris has this marketing mad libs thing lined up. That should be entertaining. Uh, who hurt you is a question we want to answer on our last podcast and simply ran out of the time because that's what we do. Uh, and then speaking of psychoanalyzing, we do have some uh some takes as per usual, some on the spicier side that we saw just in our uh God help us, the time that we spend on LinkedIn. So time pending, we'll get to that. Um let's let's talk more about this money. $84 billion on fire. Uh the floor is yours, sir.

Meta’s Metaverse Loss Explained

SPEAKER_00 2:45

Yeah, so I was just thinking that we could uh kind of chat through you know what eighty-four billion dollars could buy you and how to go about lighting it on fire in ways that are more wasteful than inventing a metaverse that nobody wanted. So uh to share a little context, this is relatively recent news. Um uh Facebook lost eighty-four billion dollars on the metaverse. Uh it's pretty much Oh no. It's pretty much as simple as that. Uh, you know, go figure. It's like, you know, if you've ever read read the lead startup or any like startup books or anything, when you're building a new product, you should probably do a little research first, make sure it's actually something that people want. Um but your your reaction to that, sir. Uh how would how would you feel if uh you lit $84 billion on fire as the CEO of a public company that built a product that nobody asked for and nobody used and nobody wanted, and you face zero accountability, and the people who are facing the accountability are the people who are on those teams that are getting laid off I mean, I I'm gonna answer this in two ways.

Accountability And Layoffs Fallout

SPEAKER_02 3:50

One through like myself as Mike Griffin, if that happened and be a fucking asshole, right? That's terrible. You're just like misleading, like you said, minimal market research, like misleading all these folks. Uh my understanding is that the folks that were like in in charge of like launching and trying to maintain and get like buzz around this metaverse, where it's like work to the bone or whatever. The consequence thing is crazy to me because you're exactly right. It's not this fucking jabroni at the top of the at the top of the totem, right? It's gonna get any trouble. It's all the folks that dedicated countless hours and what have you and all their resources into developing this thing. That's shitty. That that's me, that's how I would feel. If I'm Mark Zuckerberg, I probably feel like what's his name? Ricky Bobby's interview in Talladega Nights, right? Just absolutely ignorant. Like I wake up in the morning, I piss excellence. It doesn't like he doesn't care. He doesn't fucking care. There's no accountability. He's like, ah, well, we'll just like try the next thing or like bribe the next like person that we need to to get some kind of like an idiot. So I yeah, that without going too far into it, that that is my reaction. What

Should AI Replace CEOs

SPEAKER_02 4:50

what do you think? What do you think?

SPEAKER_00 4:52

I think a lot of things about this, and I think that you know, at the end of the day, my my theory that all CEOs should be replaced by AI holds up strong. Because if you give AI the right inputs, my argument is that it can be it can make decisions just as effectively as any of these stupid fucking CEOs of these companies. Like Mark Zuckerberg's the kind of guy where like he got lucky once and made made a bunch of money, but he doesn't really seem like he's the most intelligent guy. Like Sure, he went to Harvard and he built Facebook and PHP and blah blah blah blah blah. But uh I mean what has he done in the past 20 years? Like what decisions has he made that earns the valuation and like you know, earns the amount of money that he has to his name?

SPEAKER_02 5:35

Well, the metaverse.

SPEAKER_00 5:36

Oh, right. Of course, yeah, that thing. That thing that you you pivoted your entire company around to the point where you changed the name of the entire company.

SPEAKER_02 5:45

Dude, I forgot that that is what led to the name change. I don't remember what rock I was living under at the time, but apparently it was just lost on me that yeah, it wasn't just like a rebrand for the sake of it. It was like, no, to like support this entire company transformation, right? Uh it's gonna go back. It almost sounds like you're suggesting a billionaire might be out of touch with what people actually want. Is that am I putting words in your mouth there? Is that no?

SPEAKER_00 6:11

I mean, I would definitely never suggest that. I think that they're the most in-touch people in the world, and you know, our our president uh he he reflects the values of his constituents to a T. You know, uh you know, all of his constituents, all of the MAGA crowd are are exactly like him in in every way, uh, for better or worse.

SPEAKER_02 6:30

Mr. Carr at the FCC, if you're listening, please make note. Uh Chris is very adamant about this point. Uh and yeah, yeah, the whole government's market qualified. Uh the whole the whole thing. Okay. So yeah, that those are fair reactions. I think the initial question was like, how would I light it on fire? Right?

Funny Ways To Burn $84B

SPEAKER_02 6:50

Or how how would we light it on fire?

SPEAKER_00 6:52

I've uh I've I've got several options, but I figure we can go back and forth naming ways that we could light it on fire. And you know, some some ways could be like a good way to light it on fire. I mean, everybody needs warmth. I mean, I could probably take that money and like heat my house for like a good I don't know 200 years and not have to pay for the obscene natural gas prices that we've been paying lately. Uh that could be one like effective way to light it on fire, but uh your your thoughts are what are what are some ways that you would light it on fire and would it be a good use of the money or a bad use of the money?

SPEAKER_02 7:30

Yeah, uh for sure bad. Nothing that comes to my mind is like a a good use of that. All I can think about is like, is that how Scrooge McDuck kept his mansion warm? He would just occasionally shel some of his fucking money onto the fire pit. Yours is actually a far more thoughtful answer. Like put it to something good, right? Like it may make the house warm. Maybe you could give it to different like shelters, right? Or like for folks that like actually need the the instead of giving the money, we'll give the fucking heat that is being burned or the heat produced from burning the money. Just working within the confines of the question. To be clear, it would be better to give them the fucking money, stay out of our inbox, stay out of the correct. We don't we don't get the comments. Um, but yeah, we I I think that's uh I'm just gonna I'm just gonna directly steal your idea. I think that actually burning it to keep something afloat. Only other thing that comes to mind is like, you know, back in the days of like steam engines and shit like that, but like coal, and they get like you know, the the boat to go down the river or whatever, like there's an over reliance on transportation. People are not interested in buying Teslas as much anymore. And I I can't knowledgeably speak to the the quality of some of these other EVs that are out there. So maybe we could just like you know support a bunch of like public transportation boats or something like that, and use the use 87 billion for for uh instead of coal. So that that that's all I have. You got something else cooking, don't you?

SPEAKER_00 8:46

Oh yeah, I've I've got several. I've uh I've probably spent a little bit too way too much time thinking about this, but uh um so these are several ways that you could actually set 84 billion billion on fire on fire, and this is about how much it would cost. So uh first is you could hire every marketing agency on Earth for 10 years, they would all be working for you and would just put together the most stellar campaigns you've ever seen in your fucking life.

SPEAKER_02 9:12

Pretty good. That's got that that's got real potential.

SPEAKER_00 9:15

Uh you could buy Google Ads inventory until the auction breaks. Like nobody else like nobody else gets any keywords. You just buy all the keywords.

SPEAKER_02 9:27

Is that the promised land that we've heard so much about?

SPEAKER_00 9:31

Uh you could fund every B2B SaaS company that was ever pitched on Shark Tank twice.

SPEAKER_02 9:39

Even the one that like has the little like container from when you drop loose change onto the side and you stick it between. You could even invest in those people twice? That's insane.

SPEAKER_00 9:47

I think so. Yeah. Wow. Uh you could send a cold email to every human on earth with a personalized GIF. Uh no, uh, I said GIF as in G I F GIF. Do you see do you do you call it GIF or GIF?

SPEAKER_02 10:03

It depends on the crowd. I mean, I pander on this one to be honest with you. Like I both cards at the table. I I am a giffer. My understanding is that it's actually GIF, right? Isn't that like the technical like correct pronunciation? Or have I triggered you?

SPEAKER_00 10:18

I believe it's yeah, I I I'm a giffer as well, but I I realize that it also said it also sounded like I said gift. You could also probably send a personalized gift along with this email for $84 billion. How many people is there on Earth? Like $8 billion? Something like that. So $84 billion, that's enough to buy everybody on Earth like a $10 personalized gift. Or gift.

SPEAKER_02 10:42

GIF or gift. Yes, exactly. I can help with the pampan. Nice. Yeah. Okay.

SPEAKER_00 10:48

You you could run a Super Bowl ad every single day for 40 years.

SPEAKER_02 10:53

It's only 40 years. That's actually a fucking ridiculous uh like commentary on the cost of these commercials, but that's still not not once, not once a year for 40 years, every single day.

SPEAKER_00 11:11

Oh 365 days a year for 40 years.

SPEAKER_02 11:15

That is totally different. That is bonkers.

SPEAKER_00 11:18

I actually think that would be a better use of money than what they actually spent $84 billion on, though.

SPEAKER_02 11:24

Yeah, I mean, some people actually enjoy some of the Super Bowl commercials.

SPEAKER_00 11:28

Oh, yeah. 100%.

SPEAKER_02 11:30

Jesus.

SPEAKER_00 11:31

And then lastly, you could build a better analytics tool than GA4 about 50,000 times over. That one hits a little home to me because I've built a better analytics tool than GA4 once over, and it didn't cost me more than probably a thousand or two thousand dollars.

SPEAKER_02 11:48

I was just gonna say, knowing someone that has been working on something that looks to solve this very problem, it seems like he could do it with considerably less resources. But yeah.

SPEAKER_00 11:56

Little shameless plug there.

SPEAKER_02 11:58

We love a good organic. Yeah, we love a good organic, shameless plug. Uh that's that's remarkable. That's a that's a ton of better ways. But by the way, I these are all like great like investment ideas when you burn it on fire. Do you like how my mind literally stuck to like lighting it on fire and the use cases for that? Like I was unable to pivot outside the thing. Uh it's just quality stuff.

SPEAKER_00 12:21

Yeah, well, it's do you do you have any other uh thoughts before we move on to the next other ways that you could light it on fire? I mean, first of all, like how would you like let's say you had a huge pile of cash, like it would probably be like enough to take up like a warehouse or whatever. How would you start the fire? Would you use like like gasoline? Would you just you know use perhaps like a fire starter like you're camping? Like, how would you go about doing it?

SPEAKER_02 12:47

I think that and and this is like an overly thoughtful answer for a question that doesn't but like I I watch a lot of these like outdoor survival shows and I'm always amazed at the people that can start a fire with like the I forget what the device is called now. I'm gonna draw a blend. It's like the ball, something it's like you you you the bow. You start a fire in a very like rustic kind of way that isn't like a flint stick or whatever, and like that is what I would attempt to do. And by the way, what I would use to start all this fire that I'm letting on is whatever fucking denomination of dollar bill like the Trump face is going to be on. That is like the thing, it's thing number one that I would in fact. I would create $37 billion worth of like just those and exclusively light them on fire, just so that the it just sends a message, right? It just sends a message. Uh yeah. That's how it would do it.

SPEAKER_00 13:33

I just asked Claude if if Claude has any suggestions on how to uh lay $84 billion on

Cold Email Chaos And Super Bowl Math

SPEAKER_00 13:39

fire. Uh he's got a couple funny ones here. You could uh fund a congressional hearing preparation course so he never has to explain what a like button is to a 70-year-old senator ever again.

SPEAKER_02 13:49

That's not bad.

SPEAKER_00 13:50

That one is pretty good. Um build a real human suit so detailed that people finally stop asking. Buy Hawaii and then post about buying Hawaii in a make in a way that makes everyone feel uncomfortable. I feel like he doesn't need $84 billion to do that.

SPEAKER_02 14:11

No. Also, I'd like a double-click on that one.

SPEAKER_00 14:14

Like ask it for a specific copy that it would use for the uh hire one million therapists to help people recover from using Facebook. I mean, I I don't know how you feel about those like lawsuits that they recently lost that that are probably gonna get lost on appeal, but um basically saying that Facebook's liable for the content on the platform and like basically making few people feel like shit.

SPEAKER_02 14:37

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Yeah, I dude, any kind of like uh ding against Facebook, I'm generally in favor of. Like, even if it costs them money to go and like fight this and win an appeal or whatever, like I do think there's like a big moral thing that they're fucking up to. Like, multiple is it France Red that is outright banned, like Instagram or other like meta accounts, right? For people under a particular age. Like I get ads all the time, they must be aware you probably have too, being like a parent, right? For like, oh, like Instagram for teens or whatever, and like look at this wonderful thing that is for sure not a farce, right? Like so, yeah, generally speaking, I'm in favor of anything that comes out uh like against them.

SPEAKER_00 15:18

Yeah. And I'll uh this will be the last one, I'll end this one here. Uh he could hire someone to tell him the metaverse isn't working, fire them, hire someone else, rinse and repeat until $84 billion is gone. I think that's actually probably what happened.

SPEAKER_02 15:34

I dude, I bet it is, right? At a certain point, you run out of yes men. Like everything collapses. Are you familiar? I don't know if we've talked about this like on or off the recording, but are are you a fan of like the Dune universe? You know, like the movies that came out, like the books behind them.

SPEAKER_00 15:48

Uh, I've never read the books. I saw the first movie, and I've got it like in my backlog to watch the I think there's

How To Start The Fire

SPEAKER_00 15:55

one more and then one more that's about to come out.

SPEAKER_02 15:58

Okay. Okay. Alright. I what I was gonna say will be like a bit of a spoiler. So you're just gonna have to trust me and that it was gonna be a really good reference. Okay. And when and when you see it, I think you're actually gonna have to wait until the uh the end of the third movie, like the one that's coming out, for us to reconvene on this topic. And like, hey, remember that shit you said like eight months ago? Yeah, you were totally or you were going to say and couldn't. Now's the time. Uh yes. So thanks, Claude. We appreciate you. Um anything else? Any other flashes of brilliance?

SPEAKER_00 16:31

Uh no, I think we can probably move on to the uh the uh next flash or flash of brilliance being the uh Madlib. I'm actually really excited about this.

SPEAKER_02 16:40

Ooh, Flash of Brilliance is a lot of pressure here, but yeah, take it away.

SPEAKER_00 16:43

Um I'm assuming you've you've you're familiar with MadLibs, you've done them when you're younger, perhaps you've done one recently with your son. Um what's your understanding of MadLibs, just for the audience who might not know what they are?

SPEAKER_02 16:55

My recollection from the days of yesteryear is you have essentially like a you know, it's a couple sentences, a few paragraphs, right? And there are strategic blanks that exist within that paragraph, and you ask the person that you're playing with to give you a word. You might ask for like an adjective, a noun, but you know, whatever the case is. You you have uh what do you call it? You don't have like a ton of context going into it, right? And then you plug it in and then like you read the entirety thing, the the thing in his entirety afterwards, and hilarity usually ensues. Is that right?

SPEAKER_00 17:23

You hit I couldn't have said it better myself. You hit the nail right on the head. I'm not even gonna tell you what um what the mad lib is. I'm just gonna start asking you for some of the words and then kind of go from there.

SPEAKER_02 17:36

Terrific. Yeah. Alright.

SPEAKER_00 17:37

Uh first up, you ready to ready to kick this off?

SPEAKER_02 17:40

Let's do it.

SPEAKER_00 17:41

Uh plural job title.

SPEAKER_02 17:45

Plural job title will be uh custodians. That's the first word that comes to custodians? Custodians.

SPEAKER_00 17:54

Okay. Uh adjective.

SPEAKER_02 17:58

Diligently.

SPEAKER_00 18:04

Uh vague verb.

SPEAKER_02 18:08

Odious.

Claude’s Roasts And Meta Backlash

SPEAKER_00 18:14

Uh department.

SPEAKER_01 18:18

Marketing.

SPEAKER_00 18:21

All right. Uh how come that sounds measurable but isn't.

SPEAKER_02 18:26

How come that sounds measurable but isn't? Uh let's see. I'll get some hate for this, but uh brand voice.

SPEAKER_00 18:38

Uh category. Persona who would never buy software.

SPEAKER_02 18:55

Uh the child child child my god, what am I trying to say? The um like daycare director provider person. Director of daycare.

SPEAKER_00 19:09

Director of daycare. Uh number between three and seven.

SPEAKER_02 19:19

Five.

SPEAKER_00 19:23

Uh thing you weren't doing anyway.

SPEAKER_02 19:29

Uh using the metaverse.

SPEAKER_00 19:32

Nice. Urgency phrase that creates no urgency.

SPEAKER_02 19:40

As soon as possible.

SPEAKER_00 19:47

Uh suspiciously round number.

SPEAKER_02 19:51

Eight. Think about how round eight actually is. Yeah, anyway, go ahead.

SPEAKER_00 19:58

Uh logo from 2018 free trial.

SPEAKER_02 20:02

Oh, logo from 2018? Jesus, what the fuck was even going on in 2018?

SPEAKER_00 20:09

Uh or just a company name.

SPEAKER_02 20:10

A company name from 2018. Uh, I'm gonna free trial. Uh uh we'll go with I don't know. Dude, why can't I think of anything besides Salesforce? Please help me.

SPEAKER_00 20:22

Uh I think we're just gonna have to take Salesforce is the default answer. Uh company that got acquired.

SPEAKER_02 20:30

Rezi.

SPEAKER_00 20:32

Uh Rezi R R E S Y.

SPEAKER_02 20:35

Yep.

SPEAKER_00 20:36

Wonder why you picked that one.

SPEAKER_01 20:37

Yeah, wonderful.

SPEAKER_00 20:38

Uh startup that no longer exists.

SPEAKER_02 20:50

Perceptive panda. That's a real thing.

SPEAKER_00 20:54

Is that a th okay. I we're gonna need to double click in that one in the uh and then enterprise logo, they definitely just called email to use.

SPEAKER_02 21:10

Dude, Oracle comes to mind. I don't know what the.

SPEAKER_00 21:12

I was thinking Oracle too. Because you already said Salesforce, I was literally thinking Oracle because they just laid off a bunch of people. Yeah. Like apparently didn't really pay out a decent amount of severance to them, so did not look good. Yeah, not a good look on their part. I feel bad for all these employees.

SPEAKER_02 21:28

Me too.

SPEAKER_00 21:29

Um, alright, we have I'm probably not gonna do all of this. I actually realize there's quite a bit left. Um job title.

SPEAKER_02 21:41

Uh Chief Fun Officer.

SPEAKER_00 21:47

Uh Spreadsheet type. Lot uh soul crushing task.

SPEAKER_02 22:00

Soul crushing task, uh, let's see. Scheduling. Wait, can I change that? Can I change that?

SPEAKER_00 22:10

Yep.

SPEAKER_02 22:12

Going viral.

SPEAKER_00 22:17

A question your CEO asks that you dread.

SPEAKER_02 22:26

How's the pipeline?

SPEAKER_00 22:32

Uh, existing tool everyone already uses.

SPEAKER_02 22:37

Uh, what do you call it? Microsoft Word.

SPEAKER_00 22:45

Uh, other existing tool.

SPEAKER_02 22:48

Another existing tool? We'll go uh Claude.

SPEAKER_00 22:54

Uh third tool.

SPEAKER_02 22:57

Third tool would be uh what do you call it? Chili Piper.

SPEAKER_00 23:05

Corporate euphemism for exhausted.

SPEAKER_02 23:12

Tired.

SPEAKER_00 23:17

Uh made up word with a capital letter in the middle.

SPEAKER_01 23:26

A bountiful.

SPEAKER_00 23:29

Okay, and we'll capitalize the T there.

SPEAKER_02 23:32

Exactly, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 23:33

Adjective.

SPEAKER_01 23:35

Uh silly.

SPEAKER_00 23:41

Uh same vague verb from hero section. Um, what did you say for the vague verb? Uh dilig diligent? Uh yeah, diligent, I think it was.

SPEAKER_02 24:08

Marketing, of course.

SPEAKER_00 24:10

Oh right, right, right. How could I forget?

SPEAKER_02 24:12

How could you?

SPEAKER_00 24:17

Uh, buzzword. AI. Oh god. Um action that could mean anything.

SPEAKER_02 24:29

Uh infer.

SPEAKER_00 24:35

Thing you already paid for.

SPEAKER_02 24:40

Internet.

SPEAKER_00 24:43

Internet? Just just internet.

SPEAKER_02 24:46

Generic internet.

SPEAKER_00 24:47

Uh percentage that ends in seven for credibility.

SPEAKER_02 24:52

I would say sixty-seven.

SPEAKER_00 24:57

Uh metric nobody actually tracks.

SPEAKER_02 25:02

Uh like ability.

SPEAKER_00 25:07

Impossibly short time frame.

SPEAKER_01 25:11

Yesterday.

SPEAKER_00 25:13

Alright, we'll do one more section, then uh

The Marketing Mad Lib Begins

SPEAKER_00 25:15

then we can read through this. Okay. Uh first name only. Miguel. Uh made up title that doesn't exist at normal companies.

SPEAKER_02 25:40

Risk auditor and mediator.

SPEAKER_00 25:46

Company in your ICP you wish you had.

SPEAKER_02 25:52

Every single cannabis shop.

SPEAKER_00 25:59

Product name.

SPEAKER_02 26:08

Pomegranate.

SPEAKER_00 26:17

Corporate word for screwed.

SPEAKER_02 26:23

Uh behind.

SPEAKER_00 26:27

Metric.

SPEAKER_02 26:31

Uh sessions.

SPEAKER_00 26:37

Number too high to be believable percent.

SPEAKER_02 26:41

Say number two what?

SPEAKER_00 26:43

Number too high to be believable percent percentage.

SPEAKER_02 26:47

Oh, it's a percentage ninety-nine.

SPEAKER_00 26:52

Uh, executive.

SPEAKER_02 26:57

What the fuck is the guy say Jamie Dylan or whatever? The JP Morgan dude.

SPEAKER_00 27:01

Diamond. Jamie Diamond.

SPEAKER_02 27:02

Diamond, thank you.

SPEAKER_00 27:04

Uh low bar achievement.

SPEAKER_01 27:08

Showing up.

SPEAKER_00 27:14

Okay. We have about 10 minutes left in our free zoom. Let's just do one last section. I think this could be a good section. Sure. Uh tier name that implies you're small and bad. This is like a pricing tier.

SPEAKER_02 27:34

Yeah. Um. Still figuring it out.

SPEAKER_00 27:41

Arbitrary low number.

SPEAKER_02 27:44

Three. Unit. Uh decibels.

SPEAKER_00 27:53

Person who will never convert.

SPEAKER_02 27:58

Who will never like reconvert? Is that what you said?

SPEAKER_00 28:00

Uh person who will never convert.

SPEAKER_02 28:02

Who will never convert? Grandmas.

SPEAKER_00 28:10

Uh tier name that's just pro or growth.

SPEAKER_01 28:14

Uh see.

SPEAKER_00 28:22

Price ending in nine.

SPEAKER_02 28:27

Eighty.

SPEAKER_00 28:34

A feature that should have been free.

SPEAKER_01 28:38

Support.

SPEAKER_00 28:42

Thing that sounds impressive, but you'll never use.

SPEAKER_02 28:48

Uh. Jeez. Suggestion for AI suggestion for tone of voice.

SPEAKER_00 29:06

Adjective.

SPEAKER_02 29:09

Deliberately.

SPEAKER_00 29:15

Thing that means we'll charge you more.

SPEAKER_01 29:20

Bonus.

SPEAKER_00 29:25

Feature that is just dedicated. Dedicated a feature that is just uh noun. Just give me a noun.

SPEAKER_02 29:36

A noun? Yeah. Uh, let's see. Cup.

SPEAKER_00 29:43

Compliance acronym.

SPEAKER_02 29:48

DFDI. Don't fucking do it. DFDI.

SPEAKER_00 29:57

Integration that's with Salesforce that barely works.

SPEAKER_01 30:01

Oh, careful. Uh Snapchat.

SPEAKER_00 30:08

Um Product name. Should we just use pomegranate again?

SPEAKER_02 30:15

Sure, use pomegranate.

SPEAKER_00 30:21

Uh word that means nothing.

SPEAKER_02 30:26

Nil.

SPEAKER_00 30:31

Uh fake urgency statement about a demo.

SPEAKER_02 30:37

Uh end of month promotion.

SPEAKER_00 30:46

Secondary fake urgency statement.

SPEAKER_02 30:49

Secondary fake urgency? Uh limited capacity beta.

SPEAKER_00 31:04

Closing argument.

SPEAKER_02 31:11

Uh prices are going up next quarter.

SPEAKER_00 31:19

Okay.

Filling The SaaS Copy Template

SPEAKER_00 31:21

Alright, so you want to know what you uh did MATLIBs for? What you just built?

SPEAKER_02 31:24

Yeah, I'm genuinely curious what the fuck is.

SPEAKER_00 31:26

Uh so this is the ultimate B2B SaaS homepage Matlib.

SPEAKER_02 31:30

Oh no. Homepage.

SPEAKER_00 31:32

So uh you ready to go through it?

SPEAKER_02 31:35

No, but do it anyway.

SPEAKER_00 31:37

Alright, so uh first section, hero section. We help

Reading The Unhinged Homepage

SPEAKER_00 31:41

custodians at diligent companies odious their marketing so they can finally brand voice. The only restaurants platform built for directors of daycare. Get results five X faster than using the metaverse. That one's actually valid. I mean that one's very as soon as possible. Book a demo. Um, social proof bar. I don't know if I'm gonna be able to get through some of these. Trusted by eight teams at companies like Salesforce, Resi, Perceptive Panda, and Oracle.

unknown 32:25

Nice.

SPEAKER_00 32:27

If you're like most chiefs, if you're like most chief fun officers, you're probably drowning in locked spreadsheets, manually going viral, and still can't answer the question, how's the pipeline? Your Microsoft Word wasn't built for this. Your claw doesn't talk to your chili piper, and your team is tired in bold. There has to be a better way. The solution section. Introducing a bountiful, the silly way to diligently your marketing. Our AI platform infers your existing our AI platform infers your existing internet to deliver 67% more likability in yesterday.

SPEAKER_02 33:11

That's up to the right, okay.

SPEAKER_00 33:15

Testimonial section. Miguel Mig Miguel Why can't it say this? Mig Miguel Miguel. Miguel. Miguel, risk auditor and mediator at every single cannabis shop. Before pomegranate, we were completely behind. Now our sessions are up 99% and my Jamie Jamie Diamond started showing back up. I can't imagine going back. Pricing section. Simple, transparent pricing. Uh still figuring it out. Free up to three decibels per free for grandmas. Starter, $89 a month. Everything in the previous tier, plus support and AI suggestions for tone of voice. Enterprise. Let's talk for deliberate teams who need a bonus. Includes dedicated cup DFDI and Snapchat integration.

SPEAKER_01 34:18

Perfect.

SPEAKER_00 34:20

Closing CTA. Join 6X teams already nil with pomegranate. End of month promotion. No credit card required. Limited capacity beta. Cancel anytime. Prices are going. Prices are going up next quarter.

SPEAKER_02 34:40

Okay. I might actually be tempted to just put the prices that are going up next quarter as like an actual CTA. Like jump on this. Okay. Should we put like copyright and trademark pending for some of these ideas here? Just get just giving this stuff away.

SPEAKER_00 34:59

I mean, I'm not gonna lie, I kind of want to make like an interactive tool, like an interactive uh marketing mad libs tool now.

SPEAKER_02 35:06

That would be fun. That would be very fun to do.

SPEAKER_00 35:09

I feel like I could uh have that spun up in like an hour with Claude Code or something. Right. But uh yeah, the the social proof bar trusted by trusted by eight eight teams. Including perception pants, which which doesn't exist anymore.

SPEAKER_01 35:34

They trusted us, they failed.

SPEAKER_00 35:37

It's it's so funny because you know what what's the saying? Uh like there's the the funniest things are like grounded in reality or whatever. Like you know, you know what saying I'm trying to say? Like it's funny because it's true, like it's it's funny, like it hurts because it's true.

SPEAKER_02 35:53

Exactly. Yeah, there's a there's uh there's always a big small big nugget of truth in the things that are the funniest.

SPEAKER_00 36:00

Uh we we have but a small uh the funny thing is is that this probably isn't the worst copy for a landing page ever, and uh certainly not.

SPEAKER_02 36:08

Close. It's actually pretty pretty far up there. Uh also up there is the quantity of minutes we've used on this free

Final Laughs And Wrap

SPEAKER_02 36:16

zoom. That was fun. Glad we got to it. Uh, we'll do another mad lib in the future, and we'll also talk about some uh marketing psychoanalysis when we reconvene for this. Uh appreciate you guys coming on. Thank you for uh bearing with some of my stupid answers in the mad libs. Uh, we will talk again real soon.

SPEAKER_00 36:33

Suspiciously, the low number is the amount of seconds we have left.

SPEAKER_02 36:37

Very suspicious.